Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
whose ass print is on the piano?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
