I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
