I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
