I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
