I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
