I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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