Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
