I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
