i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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