i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
