nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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