My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
