Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my being single is dangerous.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
