Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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