i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also, beer. Big fan.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
