so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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