I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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