soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You dont lie about slip and slides
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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