you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We left the knife in your bed.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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