in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
