I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
