I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Let's get the cat blown out
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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