You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
