You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
