You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
