I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
