I want to have your abortion
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
