i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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