mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
