Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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