Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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