I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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