do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
