I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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