I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
In America we eat man semen.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
