i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
