i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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