I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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