True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize