Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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