You can't motorboat a personality
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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