i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The struggles of a small town man whore
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
