smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
