I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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