You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
