The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
