So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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