she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
