remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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