Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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