If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
