Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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