so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
