A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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